


Not yourself

by PeterHaleforAlpha



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Changing POVs, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Parabatai Bond
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-04-19 20:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14245002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeterHaleforAlpha/pseuds/PeterHaleforAlpha
Summary: Alec is not himself and trying to kill Magnus who is very hesitant to use his magic because he doesn't want to hurt Alec.





	1. Chapter 1

“Alexander, don’t!” Magnus had his right hand raised, blue sparks shimmering around his fingers. “I don’t want to hurt you, please!” With every word Magnus stepped cautiously backwards, bringing as much space between Alec and himself as possible. 

Alec tilted his head, a wicked grin on his face. “You can barely stand. I doubt that you could hurt me.” Alec still held his dagger in hand, blood dripping from the tip on his beautiful carpet. Magnus’ blood. 

The warlock hadn’t seen it coming. It had all been normal, Alec coming back from a mission, still geared up, greeting him with a fond smile until Alec had just stabbed him, right after they had kissed. As if the dagger in his stomach hadn’t been betrayal enough, Alec’s next words had crushed the warlock’s heart. “Did you really think I could love a filthy warlock?” 

Magnus knew that this wasn’t Alec, at least not Alec in his right mind. That’s why he was hesitant to use his magic. Right now he was in survival mode, his gut wound bleeding into his left hand. He was not sure if he could control his magic when his body was screaming to do everything to stay alive. But he didn’t want to hurt Alec. No matter what was going on, hurting Alec was the last thing that Magnus wanted to do. 

But he might have no other choice. Alec didn’t just stop. He kept attacking. After throwing the dagger right at Magnus which he blocked with a shield, Alec already fired an arrow from his bow. Magnus’ shield also protected him from getting impaled but Magnus could feel his magic slipping away. He couldn’t keep this up for forever. He couldn’t just block every attack that came from Alec. Sooner or later his magic shield would vanish and Magnus had nothing left to protect him. 

“Such cowards. Always hiding behind your magic,” Alec said and his voice sounded so wrong. This wasn’t  _ his _ Alec. This voice was full of hatred and disgust. 

Magnus couldn’t keep the tears out of his eyes, not sure if they came from the pain his whole body was in or seeing Alec like that. Like he had never felt any love for the warlock. 

“Alexander,” Magnus tried again, voice soft and pleading, hoping that the sound of his voice alone could cure what was wrong with his boyfriend. “You are not yourself. Please just put your bow down.” 

“You wish!” 

The next arrow started flying and Magnus put a little more power into his shield, pushing his magic forward so that it caused a shock wave which hit Alec square in the chest, sending him flying through the room. Magnus wavered, grabbing for the back of the couch for assistance. He panted heavily and checked his wound which was still bleeding. Magnus knew that this wouldn’t stop Alec completely. It was just a minor setback. He would be back on his feet any second. Magnus had to find a way to figure out what was wrong with Alec. If Magnus would be uninjured there would be no problem. Magnus would have been able to restrain Alec and used his magic to find the problem. But as Alec had said before Magnus could barely stand upright. There was no way that he could use his magic to fix this. He was not even sure if he could protect himself even if he wasn’t so hesitant about it. 

As if someone heard his pleas, his phone started ringing. He couldn’t give up his hold on the couch so he used his bloodied hand to grab his phone. It almost slid out of his hand. This was probably the first time he was actually happy to see that Jace was calling him.

“Is Alec with you?” Magnus heard Jace’s agitated voice as soon as he had picked up. “Something is wrong. He’s hurt but there is something else.” 

“Jace, I need your help.”

“Of course, I can track him and together-”

“No, he is here,” Magnus interrupted Jace. “I can’t open a portal. I can’t-” His voice turned into a pained cry as an arrow pierced his left shoulder which caused him to drop his phone too. Stupid Magnus. He had gotten distracted and hadn’t paid enough attention to Alec. With a last desperate attempt he channeled all his remaining power and restrained Alec, surrounding him with a magic barrier. He wouldn’t be able to hold this up for long. Maybe a few minutes if he was lucky. 

Alec was still looking at him with an icy glare and it broke Magnus’ heart. He knew that this wasn’t his boyfriend but it was still painful to watch, to see his beautiful Alexander with so much hatred in his eyes. 

“I know you, Alexander, and no matter what happens, this wasn’t you, okay?” Magnus hated the thought that Alec would blame himself for this, like he had blamed himself when this demon had killed Jocelyn. Magnus didn’t want to think about how this would destroy Alec, shatter him to his very core. “It’s not your fault.” Magnus hoped that Alec could hear him in some way so that he would have those words to remember when Magnus wasn’t there anymore. 

“I love you,” Magnus whispered when he noticed that his magic was fading. The blue streaks were flashing like there was some kind of electrical interference. Magnus was on his last string, his vision started to blur and he fell on his knees, still clinging desperately to the last reserves of his magic because he knew the moment he would let go, he’d be dead. He barely noticed the flashing bright light to his right when his strength left him and he fell to the ground, everything turning black around him. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all sooo much for all your lovely comments. I was literally flashed by all the responses I got. You are all amazing and I love you so much.
> 
> I will try to upload once a week.
> 
> This chapter will be from Jace's POV and I will change POVs probably every chapter.  
> I hope you enjoy it as much as the last chapter :)

The scream at the other end let Jace’s heart skip a beat. “Magnus?” he shouted into his phone. “Magnus!” 

Clary was immediately beside him. “What’s going on?” 

Jace had no idea. He reached out to Alec once more and he still couldn’t distinguish what was going on with his parabatai. This feeling was weird, nothing that Jace had ever felt before. And he was scared for Magnus too. Since he had lived with the warlock together they had become something like friends. He respected Magnus and much more so, he loved him for loving Alec. This right now didn’t sound good.

“Get Izzy. Get your weapons,” he ordered Clary. “We need to get to Magnus.” 

Maybe there was a simple explanation for everything. Maybe this feeling of dread that crawled up on him was completely foolish. Maybe everything would be fine. 

Fortunately Clary didn’t argue, just followed his order and stormed out of the room. One last time Jace focused his attention to his phone. There were distant voices in the background but Jace couldn’t make out what they were saying. It was too quiet, way too quiet and this bad feeling was taking the upper hand again. He shook his head, forced himself to focus, hung up and grabbed his seraph blade. Jace had put it there after his last mission, just wanting to take a shower and get out of his clothes. The moment he had walked out of his shower he had this strange feeling. First he hadn’t noticed where it came from because it felt nothing like Alec. It felt like a completely different person. He had felt agitated, not yet concerned. This feeling only came when he felt like the air was getting sucked out of his lungs, leaving him unable to breathe for a moment. As soon as Jace had realized that this came from Alec Jace didn’t hesitate a second longer to call Magnus. Now he was more worried than before.

Jace just wanted to rush outside to get to the girls when they came running back into his room. “Clary, could you-” he started when he noticed that she was already drawing the rune which allowed her to open portals. A wind was whirling through his room as the portal manifested. Jace was the first to step through.

What he found made no sense at all, Magnus using his magic against Alec, paralyzing him. He was so confused that he froze for a moment, until he heard Clary’s desperate cry for Magnus when his magic flickered statically and then vanished altogether. The redhead stormed past him to get to the warlock and Jace used his training and instinct to analyze the situation. He saw the red arrow sticking in Magnus body, knowing full well what this meant. With two wide steps he was in front of Alec, just in time, because his parabatai was ready to fire the next arrow. Wielding his seraph blade Jace knocked the arrow off the bow. Alec seemed startled for a moment but let his weapon fall in the next second to get his seraph blade as well. 

He attacked Jace right away. “What are you doing?” he hissed.

“What am I doing? You are the one that’s being crazy.” Jace blocked every attack that came from Alec. It was similar to all the training fights they had and yet so very different. This was no fun. This was serious. And Jace just wanted to know what was wrong with Alec. Was he possessed maybe? But he seemed normal enough, he seemed almost like the old Alec if you overheard the way he talked or ignored the way he was acting. 

With all his weight he threw himself against Jace, blade smashing on blade, and they were looking into each other’s eyes, both trying to win the upper hand. “He is a warlock. He deserves to die. I  _ need _ to finish it.” 

Jace couldn’t quite believe his ears, couldn’t quite fathom that it was Alec’s voice that had spoken those words. It sounded so wrong. But the thing that shocked him the most was that he could feel how sincere Alec was. He completely stood behind what he had said. He  _ believed _ it. 

“This isn’t you, Alec. You love him.”

“I could never love him,” Alec hissed angrily and pushed forward with a cry. Not expecting such rage and determination Jace stumbled back a little. Through the lack of balance he had difficulties to block Alec’s fast and fierce attacks. Jace knew Alec’s fighting style, he knew the differences between training and being serious. Alec didn’t just want to get past Jace, he would hurt him if necessary. If Jace wanted to have a chance, he needed to make serious, not easy considering who he was fighting. But Alec was a threat right now. A threat which needed to be stopped. Jace forced himself to remember everything Valentine had taught him. To be cold and calculating, to feel no emotions. It had never been a problem for Jace, these years with Valentine had shaped him into the person he was today, but Alec was his brother, his parabatai, and it didn’t matter that he wasn’t himself and dangerous, Jace couldn’t be as ruthless as usual. 

He had no idea how it had happened but suddenly he lay on the ground, Alec standing right over him. Jace tried to hit Alec’s blade out of his hand but he failed and lost his own instead. He wasn’t able to turn his hand to the right angle and Alec had used this to his advantage. Now he lunged out for the final blow. Thank god for Izzy. Her whip wound itself around Alec’s wrist and pulled him back. Jace used this opportunity to push Alec off of his legs and to bring himself in an upright position at the same time. Izzy took Alec’s blade while pushing him down with one of her feet. “What is wrong with him?” she asked, concern in her eyes when he looked up at Jace.

“I don’t know,” Jace answered and these three words hurt him more than anything. For a moment he was unable to hide his emotions. He needed to take a deep breath before he could turn his face into a cold mask again. “Right now we need to restrain him.” Jace should just knock him out but he didn’t want to hurt Alec.

“Stand back,” a female voice ordered. There was so much authority in the voice that Jace didn’t hesitate a second. He stepped back right away and he could see Izzy doing the same. Alec immediately jumped up but there was nothing he could do. In the next moment there were blue sparks all around him and Alec fell back to the ground, not moving and eyes closed. After checking if Alec was unhurt Jace turned around to see who had helped them. Catarina was standing next to Magnus with a fierce expression on her face. “This should stop him for a while,” she said angrily before turning around and kneeling down next to Magus. Clary was on Magnus’ other side, pushing her hands on the bloody wound in his gut. The arrow still stuck in the warlock’s shoulder, a shocking reminder of what had just happened. 

Jace was like frozen for a moment so it was Izzy who stepped closer to them first and asked in a scared voice, “Will he be okay?”

It took some time before Catarina reacted. She seemed fully concentrated on Magnus and helping him with her own magic. “I don’t know,” she finally whispered and Jace could hear Clary’s quiet sob. It broke something in him.

Looking back at the unconsciousness Alec on the ground his expression crumpled once again. Alec would be devastated if Magnus died, even under normal circumstances Alec would feel guilty, asking himself if he could have helped him. 

But now … Jace wasn’t sure how he should help Alec after all of this. Magnus needed to survive, otherwise Jace feared that a part of Alec would die too. Jace couldn’t lose his brother and he couldn’t lose Magnus. 

He took a deep breath and pulled himself together. “How can we help?” he asked and stepped closer to Catarina.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the little longer wait^^  
> And thanks again for all the lovely comments. You guys are some mean people who want them to suffer more? Don't worry I'm not bringing them back together without further suffering. I'm good at that^^

Clary pushed hard on Magnus’ wound while frantically looking around for help but Jace was fighting Alec. Izzy sat on the other side of Magnus, checking on him. “He’s still alive,” she breathed relieved. “But we need help.” Izzy got her phone out when Clary saw how Jace fell to the ground. Clary’s eyes widened in panic. “Izzy” Izzy turned around at the warning and threw the phone over to Clary. “Call Catarina.” 

Clary searched for Catarina’s number and dialed while watching Izzy and Jace, making sure they had the situation under control and didn’t need more help.

“Catarina Loss.”

“It’s Clary Fairchild. We need your help. Magnus is hurt.”

The annoyed tone of her voice changed into a concerned one. “Where are you?”

“In his apartment.” Clary heard that Catarina hung up and in the next moment a portal appeared next to her.

“What happened?” Catarina asked, after she had stepped through the portal, turning to Clary.

“We don’t know for sure but something is wrong with Alec. He probably attacked him.” It wasn’t easy to say those words. Under normal circumstances this couldn’t be further from the truth. Just thinking about it made her feel sick. She remembered how guilty Alec felt after this demon killed her mother. It took a long time until he accepted that it wasn’t his fault. Even if Magnus would recover Clary didn’t want to imagine how terrible Alec would feel. He’d be devastated. 

Suddenly Catarina seemed very angry. She threw a wave of magic at Alec and knocked him out. Then she focused her attention on Magnus. Her magic ran over his entire body like little blue waves. Clary still pushed onto his wound though. Feeling the warm thick liquid under her fingers she didn’t dare to let go. She needed to help in some way although she knew that she couldn’t do much. Apparently she wasn’t the only one who felt this way because Jace stepped closer and asked how they could help. Right in this moment Catarina yanked the arrow out of Magnus’ shoulder and threw it in front of Jace’s feet. “Get him out of here and lock him up. He won’t sleep forever.” Clary could feel Catarina’s anger and she could understand it as well. Magnus was one of Catarina’s closest friends. Seeing him in such a state couldn’t be easy. Although she had helped them in the past she wasn’t too fond of Shadowhunters, just like any other warlock. And seeing this whole situation her first thought had to be that Alec was to blame. She wanted Alec far away from here and Clary felt similar. Until they knew what was going on with Alec, he needed to be away from Magnus. So she nodded towards Jace, signaling him that this was the best cause of action. Jace didn’t seem too thrilled. He was probably just torn, wanting to help both of them and not leaving one behind.

Catarina opened a portal with a movement of her hand. “Take him to the Institute and find out what’s wrong with him.” Then Catarina looked up, right at Clary. “I could use some extra pair of hands. Would you stay?”

Clary nodded at once. “Of course.” Magnus had helped them so often, he had saved Luke’s life once. Clary owed him so much. She’d do anything to help him. “Just tell me what to do.” She smiled reassuringly over to Izzy who showed resilience to leave.” “I’ll call,” Clary mouthed over to her and Izzy seemed a little calmer immediately. She returned the smile before turning around and leaving through the portal after Jace.

“First we’ll move him to his bed,” Catarina said and already stood up. Clary followed her lead, letting go of Mangus for the first time since she’d arrived here. She glanced at her bloodied hands and her stomach lurched, making her feel sick but she forced herself to ignore this feeling. Later she’d have plenty of time to deal with her emotions. Now she had to be a Shadowhunter and control them. She took a deep breath and followed Catarina into the bedroom. 

“The wounds are bad,” Catarina explained. “But I’m more worried about the fact that he drained all his magic.” The warlock had already started her treatment again.

“What do you mean?” Clary had seen Magnus use a lot of magic before, had seen him collapse to the floor out of exhaustion. But that was it. It had never been too dangerous.

“Warlocks use their own inner magic automatically when they’re injured. You can’t heal yourself completely but it helps. He can’t do this now because he has no magic left. And if we use most of our magic we need strength to charge our batteries, like food or sleep. He tries to get this now and only worsen his state because his body is already weakened.” 

“So which problem do we approach first?”

“I could make a potion that would help him restore his magic but I can’t let go of him too long or else he dies.” 

Clary swallowed around the lump in her throat. She didn’t like the sound of that. “Maybe you could tell me what to do?”

Catarina raised her head, looking unsure. It was clear that she didn’t trust Clary enough.

“I’ll do everything exactly the way you tell me to,” Clary said. “I don’t want Magnus to die and you don’t either, right?”

Catarina sighed, magically summoned a list and handed it over to Clary. “Fetch a bowl and everything from this list and then bring it back here. I want to keep an eye on you.”

Clary tried not to feel offended. Honestly she would feel safer too when Catarina was right beside her so that she could ask a question should she be unsure about a step. So she took the list and ran into Magnus study. She had no idea how Magnus’ system looked like. So first she grabbed a ceramic bowl, then read what was listed on the piece of paper and walked to the shelves, checking every little bottle for the things she needed. For Clary there was no clear order and so it took her way longer than she’d liked. She was aware that Magnus hadn’t had much time left. He had been horribly pale and sweating. Without Catarina’s help he would probably already be dead. And Catarina couldn’t keep him alive forever as well. So Clary let her eyes frantically wander over the shelves, looking for the last ingredients “Come on,” she whispered to herself. “You can do this.” But she couldn’t find this damn bottle.

“Clary, hurry!” Catarina’s voice sounded out of the other room.

Clary bit her lip, forced herself to concentrate and finally she found a little bottle at the back of one of the shelves. “Ah, gotcha,” she said triumphantly, put it in the bowl and hurried back to the bedroom.

Magnus’ whole body was shaking under Catarina’s spell, in fact the whole room was rumbling. It reminded her of the night where Luke almost died and she remembered that Magnus wouldn’t have made it without Alec. “Are you okay?” she asked Catarina.

Catarina nodded but there was clear exhaustion written on her face. She wouldn’t be able to hold this up for much longer. “Just hurry,” she hissed.

With a motion of her arm Clary cleared the make up table, throwing everything on the ground. She apologized silently to Magnus while putting the stuff she had gathered on the table. She got the bottles out of the bowl and put them in a line on the table.

“You can’t make any mistakes!” Catarina warned her.

“I won’t,” Clary said determined. She knew that one tiny mistake could lead to Magnus’ death. So she did everything exactly the way Catarina told her to. She concentrated completely on her task and tried to ignore Catarina’s growing exhaustion or Magnus’ shaking body.

“It’s bright blue,” Clary said when she was finished.

“Sounds about right.”

Clary filled a little of the potion into a glass and hurried over to Magnus. She opened his mouth and poured the liquid into it. Clary had no idea what she’d expected but there was no visible change. “Did it work?” 

For the first time today Clary could see a small smile on Catarina’s face. “It did.” The magic flow out of her hand lessened but didn’t vanish completely. “Now I just need to heal those wounds.” 

Clary held out her hand. “Do you need extra strength for that?” Catarina looked like she would collapse any minute. Clary didn’t think that she was capable of still healing Magnus on her own. 

Without any kind of protest Catarina took her hand. “Thanks,” she said. 

It was a strange feeling, not exactly hurting, but she could feel her energy getting pulled out of her body. Accompanying this feeling was Catarina’s magic. It felt warm and friendly. After a while Catarina pulled away. Clary felt a little more tired than before but in comparison to Catarina that was nothing. The woman collapsed into her arms. “I can’t do more, I’m sorry,” she said. 

Clary looked at Magnus, afraid that they still had failed. 

“He’ll be okay,” Catarina said. “I just couldn’t heal him completely.” 

Clary sighed relieved and helped Catarina to get up. “I’ll bring you to the couch and then I’ll see to Magnus, cleaning the wounds and bandaging him up, okay?” 

Catarina just nodded and let Clary guide her back to the living room. They walked past the big red stain on the carpet and Clary helped Catarina to sit down. “Just rest a little. You were amazing.”

“I couldn’t let him die. He’s my best friend.” 

Clary smiled at her. “And you didn’t. You saved him. Thank you.” 

Right when she wanted to leave to check on Magnus, Catarina said, “I hope Alec is okay, too.” Clary turned back around, a little surprised. “I was angry and lost control when I saw Magnus like that. I’m sorry. I know that Alec would never hurt Magnus, not in his right mind.”

“We’ll figure out what’s wrong with him and fix it.” Maybe Jace and Izzy already knew what was going on. After she was done with caring for Magnus she would give Izzy a call to see what the status was. 

Catarina smiled weakly. “You all are alright … for Shadowhunters.”

Clary laughed. “Thanks.” 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been ages and I'm so so sorry.  
> First I had really busy weeks and I could barely find the time for writing and then it was so hard to find my way back into it. I hope you can forgive me, guys :)  
> The next chapter will be here next Friday, promise!
> 
> And have some parabatai feels for this chapter for compensation!

Jace watched Alec through the glass wall of the holding cell. His posture - legs a little spread and hands folded behind his back - hadn’t changed for as long as he stood there. Jace had no idea how long that had been, could be mere minutes or even hours. Since Izzy and Jace had put him in the cell Alec had sat quietly on the floor. “So you really won’t talk to me?” Jace broke the silence.

“I have nothing to say.” 

Jace raised an eyebrow. “You have nothing to say?”

Alec tilted his head. “What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry? Well, I’m not. I did nothing wrong and you still locked me up.”

“Nothing wrong? You attacked Magnus. You wanted to kill him.”

“I still do.” Alec’s cold voice let a shiver run down Jace’s back. Jace had seen Alec cold and ruthless before but only to his enemies. Never to his friends and family. Never to Magnus. Magnus had opened up a side in Alec that Jace hadn’t seen before. Jace had loved to see Alec change to the better, to see him finally happy after all these years. Now there was nothing to see of this happiness. “Why?” Jace asked after a while.

“Because I finally see now what kind of person Magnus is.”

Jace moved his arms to the front, folded them in front of his chest. He decided to play along. Maybe this way he would get a little information about what was going on. “And what kind of person is he? What did he do?”

“He betrayed me. He betrayed all of us.”

“In what way? Magnus has only helped us in the past. He was always supportive of you. And he follows the rules of the Accords.”

“I don’t care about the Accords or the Clave.”

Jace raised an eyebrow. “Who are you?” These words didn’t sound like Alec at all. He was loyal to the Clave. He would never say something like that. The only explanation was that this person in front of him wasn’t Alec.

“You know who I am, Jace. I’m Alec Lightwood. Your parabatai.” 

At the mention of this word Jace reached out through their bond. It still worked and it was the only reason that Jace believed that this was really Alec in front of him. But the feeling was strange, the feelings and emotions he got from Alec were odd. At first there was an immense rage but when Jace dug deeper he found something. Something that felt a lot more like his brother. Jace stepped closer to the glass. “You’re still in there, Alec.” 

“Of course. It’s only me in here, Jace.” 

Jace shook his head. “There is something else. This rage isn’t yours.” 

Alec huffed. “So you want to tell me now how I should feel?”

“No, I’m not. But I know you, Alec. I know everything there is to know about you. And this rage isn’t you! I’m not saying that you don’t get to be angry. You are allowed to but this right here makes no sense, especially when I can feel your real emotions under the surface. Sadness. Desperation.  _ Guilt _ !” 

Alec shook his head, looking amused. “Guilt? What should I feel guilty about?” 

Jace couldn’t fight the anger that rushed to the surface. He smashed his balled fist against the glass. “Stop it! Stop acting as if you don’t care.” It was heart crushing to see Alec like that.

“It’s not that I don’t care, Jace. You just don’t like that I won’t be deceived by this warlock anymore when you are so obviously still under his spell. You seem to care more about him than I do.” 

Jace shook his head. “This is nonsense, Alec. No one cares more for Magnus than you. I’ve never seen anything like that before.” Jace stopped for a moment and made a decision. He rounded the corner and opened the heavy metal door. If he wanted to get through to Alec he couldn’t speak to him through a glass wall. He needed to be right there in front of him. Alec was unarmed so he was no real threat anymore. Besides Underhill was standing guard too and could help to overpower him. The new head of Security volunteered immediately when he was briefed about the situation. He also thought it would be wise that only a few people should know about this. An incapacitated Head of the Institute could cause trouble if the wrong people would know about it. Jace agreed. Most people here were fine with Alec being the leader but there were still a few that didn’t like Alec’s personal relationship to a warlock. Besides not everyone needed to know that the Head of the Institute just tried to kill a highly esteemed warlock. If words got out and a warlock got wind of it, this could mean some serious trouble. It wouldn’t matter then that Alec had been under someone else’s influence. So it was only a small circle of Shadowhunters, people that Jace absolutely trusted, or of which he knew Alec would trust in such a situation. 

 

Stepping inside of the room was harder than Jace thought. He thought of himself as a good warrior but he didn’t really know what to expect in this situation. The little taste he already got had pushed him entirely off the tracks. This was not a situation he was used to. Jace was good at punching and fighting, not so much in talking and emotions in general. Since he’d met Clary he tried to work on that and Jace thought that he had gotten better but this situation affected him deeply, ran through his entire body and let his parabatai rune burn like fire on his skin. Every new hostile word that came out of Alec’s mouth shot a stinging pain to his side. 

When Jace entered Alec stood up from the floor, looking right into Jace’s eyes. “You came to fight me now?” he asked with a crooked smile.

Jace just shook his head. “No, I won’t fight you. You’re my brother. And I know you’re still in there.”

Alec laughed out loud. “So you came to coddle me?”

“I came to tell you a story.” 

“About destiny and true love?” he asked mockingly. “I can assure you there is no such thing.” 

Jace shook his head. This sounded like the old Alec who never believed that he could be truly happy in his life. “Actually I just wanted to tell you about my brother.” He laid a hand over his side, right above his rune. “About my parabatai.”

“You can tell me as often as you want that you think that something is wrong with me, I won’t change my mind. You can tell me that I should love Magnus instead of hating him. It doesn’t matter. You can remind me of all the good times. Now that I know that these were all just a play these memories have no meaning anymore.” 

“And what about me?” Jace asked calmly, trying not to let himself get distracted by those words.

Alec seemed a little surprised about this question because he looked confused at Jace.

“Do you still love me?” 

For the first time Jace actually believed the man in front of him when he said, “Of course!”

“Then you want me to be happy, right?” Cautiously Jace reached out through their bond and tried to be as open about his feelings as possible. Normally Jace would try to bury and hide them, even from Alec. Of course he couldn’t hide anything from Alec most of the time but now Jace didn’t even try to. Jace had no idea how he should get through to Alec without being completely open and honest with him. “Do you feel that?” he asked Alec, locked eyes with him. Jace was aware that his pain right now was only small compared to what Alec would feel in this situation, if he would be in his right mind, but maybe it was enough to remind Alec of who he was. 

“Jace…” Alec’s voice became soft.

“I’m scared, Alec,” Jace whispered. This wasn’t meant for anyone else’s ears. This was only for Alec. “I’m scared for Magnus. I’m terrified of losing you.” 

“Magnus?” Alec’s voice broke and tears were filling his eyes.

Jace immediately stepped forward and pulled him into a tight embrace. “It’s gonna be okay. I’ve got you.”

“What happened? What did I … do?”

Jace pulled back but his hands remained on Alec’s shoulder in a tight grip. “You did nothing.” This Alec in front of him wasn’t to blame for any of this.

“Jace, this,” Alec pointed at his chest. “I can’t stop it. I can feel it coming back.”

Jace eyes widened in alarm. “Do you know what happened?” Any small clue could be helpful.

Alec shook his head. “It’s all so fuzzy. Suddenly there was this blinding rage.”

“We’ll find the one who is responsible for this. I promise!”

There was a few seconds of silence before Alec reached out and grabbed Jace’s shirt. “Don’t let me hurt him again,” he pleaded and Jace’s heart broke once more.

“I won’t let that happen. I’ll stop you before this happens.” Jace knew how important this was for Alec and he knew his brother. He had always put any other’s well-being in front of his own. He knew that Alec wanted and needed to hear that Jace would put Magnus before Alec in this situation.

“You’ll kill me if it’s necessary?”

Jace swallowed around a lump in his throat but after some agonizing long moments he forced himself to nod. Although this thought was more painful than he could have ever imagined Jace knew that it was the right thing to do. “If we can’t find a way to save you and if there is no other option left to protect Magnus I’ll kill you.”

Alec let out a relieved sigh. “Thank you.” 

Jace watched Alec closely. Since he mentioned that he couldn’t control this anger Jace expected him to switch back any moment. Right now though it seemed like his concern for Magnus was stronger. So Jace stayed as close to Alec as possible just to show him that he was there for him. Right now he couldn’t do anything else after all. Izzy was dealing with the scientific side of this problem and Jace was helpless.

“And now please try to remember what happened,” Jace tried again. “We parted ways after finishing the mission because you wanted to go to Magnus.” Jace couldn’t imagine that it had happened during the mission. Sometimes Jace could be lost in his own fights but if he fought side by side with Alec he was always aware of him. On the one hand he could feel him through their bond and on the other hand he always looked for him. It came natural. There had been nothing unusual about this mission.

“I was on my way to him but then something happened. I lost control over my own emotions and there was this blinding rage. I couldn’t think straight. I felt this immense need to act on it.” 

“What about now?” Jace had difficulties to hide his fear. It was relieving to have Alec back. He didn’t want to lose him again.

“I can feel it deep down and it’s getting stronger again.”

“Can I help in any way?” Jace was overwhelmed. This was a situation that no one had taught him how to handle.

“Your feelings help. Together with mine they feel stronger than this rage.” 

Jace nodded and concentrated on being open, to let Alec feel everything he was feeling. But he got distracted when the door behind him opened. He turned around to find Izzy standing in the doorway with a smile on her face.

“Clary just called. Magnus will be fine.” 

Relief washed over Jace. At least one thing he wouldn’t have to worry about anymore. He wanted to turn back to Alec, share this happy moment with him but suddenly Jace felt this rage again and it seemed stronger than before. “Alec, no,” Jace shouted while spinning around. Alec’s face was a dark expression of anger.

“He survived?” Alec spit out and looked angrily at Jace. “You stopped me! You prevented me from doing my job.” Alec lashed out and Jace only managed to dodge the attack due to his fast reflexes. He grabbed Alec’s arm and twisted it around to his back. The advantage didn’t hold long. Alec seemed to be rushed by adrenaline and he freed himself very quickly.

“Hold him still,” Izzy ordered and Jace could see out of the corner of his eyes how she got something out of her pocket. Jace knew that Izzy would never hurt Alec so it was easier for him now to fight his brother. Out of instinct Jace activated his runes and had quickly the upper hand. He grabbed Alec from behind and kept him from doing anything. Alec struggled in his grip, trying to free himself. “No!” he grunted. “Magnus has to die. He deserves to die. He betrayed all of us. He betrayed me!” 

“Izzy!” Jace shouted with clenched teeth. “Hurry!”

But Izzy was already there and put a needle to Alec’s upper arm. Just a few seconds later Alec’s body went limp. Together they put him on the cot and left the cell. Jace noticed how worried Izzy looked when Jace closed the door. She stood there frozen for a few seconds until Jace touched her arm and she snapped out of it. Immediately she put a professional expression back on. “He is definitely not possessed. This is Alec.”

“So there is magic involved?”

Izzy nodded. “Would be the next logical assumption.” All of a sudden she started walking, going around the corner so that she could watch Alec through the glass. “I think we need some help with this problem.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“And which warlock would you suggest? Magnus is incapacitated and Catarina is busy with helping Magnus.”

Izzy sighed. “If Alec was attacked by a warlock this is also a matter for the High Warlock.” 

“You want to bring Lorenzo Rey into this?” Jace scoffed.

Izzy turned around to him. “Do we have another choice? This is Alec. We need to help him.”

Jace sighed defeated. “Alec will certainly kill us for this.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come visit me on [tumblr](http://beyondtriumvirate.tumblr.com/) and talk to me about Malec!!!


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